If you're going to read further, then please please please consider that I am writing to you from a position of concern, and caring, and sincere desire to save you from coming down with HIV infection. It's no picnic. I'm not writing to piss you off, or tell you that you are a bad person -- I am not judging you. I am in absolutely no position to judge, take my word on that.
Half of all the people who have HIV do not even know it. That statistic is a fact, and has been proven over and over. Even more alarming is the group of guys who do know they have it, and yet continue to act as if they don't. They lie blatantly about their status, maybe. It begins innocently enough -- they were dating someone when they tested poz and couldn't bring themselves to tell the dude, deciding instead it would be simpler to sabotage the relationship than to deal with the deadpan reality of an "HIV-positive" diagnosis", especially between a couple whose only connection was sexual. So then, of all the guys you might meet, say there are 10 guys in line for a drink at Bourbon St., 5 of them are HIV-positive and don't know it. Probably another 1 or 2 of them don't know their status at all -- one is poz, the other neg, but in your world, all of those guys get to spend some time with you, finding an entry way to your body's defenses (yeah, the ass) and then putting as much of their sperm as they can in there. At that point, pardon the pun, it's a crap shoot.
So what was your posting again? Ah yes, here:
bb bottom looking for tops - 26
bb bottom looking for 1 or more tops
u must be hiv-
send pics
I don't know why you would even bother writing so, don't you know that stating so is like a challenge to the sick fucks out there who purposely infect HIV-negative guys? They call them giftgivers. Yeah it's a chilling term. You know what they call guys who do what you do? Bugchasers. Except the real bugchasers go about it much more effeciently, gathering as many guys known to be HIV-positive in the same room, to persistently and repeatedly inject him with virus-laden fuckjuice. Kind of a turnoff, isn't it?
Your posting says to me that you don't care about whether you get HIV or not. Wait, I have no right to say that or to think that I can pretend to know what you care about or don't care about. My perspective comes from, hell, havnig had HIV since practically the beginning. I got it from my first boyfriend, I was 17, he was 37. We were together for 7 years, and when we met, the acronym HIV hadn't even been invented yet, nor had anyone discovered the virus (the "V" in HIV). So for us to fuck with rubbers would have been completely bizarre and unacceptable -- I had never even seen one. Everyone fucked bareback, but it was different. Until the late 1980's, when you fucked bareback, you weren't knowingly exposing yourself to such a potentially lethal condition. Not that I say HIV or AIDS is a fatal disease. I don't say that at all; in my view that's a horribly unfair and limiting proclamation that once uttered by anyone in authority, because the ultimate future for so many who never learned to think independently, to question, and to reject that which they did not believe.
OK, I am doing some Major Rambling at this point, my apologies. . .
Though I was infected in the stone age, and the reasons were different than they are today for so many guys, I am not "better" than anyone. My HIV isn't more virtuous than someone else's. HIV is HIV and doesn't differentiate. I point out how long I've had this thing more as a disclosure in two ways. First, that I am utterly clueless what it feels like to live without HIV, I mean, to be HIV-negative, because by the time the tests came out, I was already poz. All I can imagine is the fear I might have of getting HIV, and how I would try to avoid it -- I don't know how good I would be at it.
Which brings me to the second part of my disclosure: I am not saying don't fuck bareback because it's stupid and you'll end up getting HIV. Even if I believed that were true, even if I was such an asshole as to say that to you, I would hope that you would after consideration, do what felt right to you -- balancing the risk versus the need to experience pleasure and joy, and get off -- taking off your thinking cap after all that and just going with it, having fun and maybe ignoring the issue until necessary, or until the next time.
I have a hard time picturing it as a sense of freedom, not with the upside-down twisted and deranged thinking about The second part of saying I don't know anything about HIV, is that I want to step away from all of these words and say that in the end, you know yourself and what feels right for you, and I don't know JACK about that and don't pretend to.
Thank Goodness, or God, or the Goddess or whatever, I have never been sick with anything from HIV (knocking wood). But I've still had to have many many hundreds of doctor's visits, swallowed thousands of pills to suppress the virus. Sometimes the side effects have been almost unbearable, and didn't seem worth it, if the state of being they created were to be as good as it could be.
My point? Think. Think. Think.
As I said above, I truly cannot imagine what it is like to be HIV-negative today. What with all the fascination about barebacking (of course it does feel better, duh!), and partying, and the disconnect that so many of my peers have between their love lives and their sex lives.
I admit that it is presumptuous of me to assume that you haven't thought these issues through already, and have come to your own level of acceptable risk, finding the lowest common denominator between the risk you're wiling to take towards contracting HIV, versus the risk of being a hermit, untouchable, within the largely promiscuous and uncaring 'mo masses. I feel for you, and wish you the best.
--Will
1 comment:
:] i think your pretty rad.. thanks for this
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